hit me with your best shoooooootttt...

Sooo, on Wednesday we were talking about four "S's"

Simplicity,
Submission,
Solitude,
& Service.

As we were going over each of these, I realized one that I really need to work on. I'm going to be completely honest in saying that my submission to some authority is not too great. There have been plenty of times that I can think of recently that I was not submissive to those who are over me. I've been trying to figure out why that is a lot lately.

When I was a kid I was picked on, pushed around, and underminded quite often like most kids. I had a very weird childhood because I've been in every child situation. Before my older brothers moved in from California and Caleb was born, I was basicly the only and would become the youngest child when my older siblings were around. After four years of being relatively the only child, I became an older sister. Not long after, Josiah moved in then I was the middle child, then Gabe moved in and I became just one of four, then when I was about 7 my older sister moved out here and I became what I am now, the second youngest.

(Yes, I had a bowl cut)

Now, don't misunderstand me, I adore my family. However, I had some issues. I wanted so badly to be able to hang out with my older brothers, but I was their much younger, annoying, sister at the time. I can remember so many times where I was pushed around by their friends and them. Honestly, I can understand why they got annoyed with me, I was little Hanna who was 9 and 10 years younger than them. At the time, it was such a hurt to me. I tried everything. I even did my best to be a punk so they'd think I was cool. I had a mini-skateboard and everything. Anyways, along with these things my little brother was picked on crazy amounts. After a while, I began to stand up for Him. Yelling at people to the point that I almost got sent to the principle's office once (haha, oh, man.) As I got older, so did my brothers obviously, Josiah and Gabe graduated, Caleb could take care of himself, then I started to come out of my shell only to be put back into one by being bullied a lot emotionally by my friends for many years, even recently. (No pity party here :) )

As a result, I have formed this major defense against being pushed around or told what to do. It's extremely annoying sometimes, and other times I can admit that it comes to good use. Sequentially, I have also put this "armor" into use against people over me in ministry sometimes. I just laughed because I realized if I were dealing with me, I wouldn't take it. Hm, I can't say that I'm too awful bad, but I'm worse than I want to be, hence this blog.

As this is brought to my attention, I'm really going to try to find God's grace and put it to use. There are times where I know that my defense will be put to good use, but not when it comes to me simply not agreeing with the rules or something along those lines. This may seem like a forgiveness thing, but it's really not, I'm okay with everything now to the extent of I don't even hurt over it. The problem here is that I washed the wounds, but cherish the scars. So here's to me taking a step to not being so fighty.

AAAAAMEN.